Bathroom Etiquette

(THIS POST IS PART ONE OF A THREE PART SERIES)

A week ago I went to a well known Mexican restaurant in town, where it is well known that I cannot think about the cheese drizzled on their enchiladas without experiencing some form of nausea or gag reflux. It was about negative 3 degrees outside, I was sitting on the inside of the booth with no easy access, and somewhere between the 80 chimichangas piled up each arm my waiter managed to keep my diet pop bottomless. When I was finally given access out of the booth, I had to go. I ran through the restaurant, banking corners, when I finally made it to the bathroom nook of the restaurant. From my angle of attack, I could only see one of the doors to the restrooms. I looked up and thought that I saw "MEN" in wooden blocks above the door frame, so I sharply turned the corner and approached a door where the door handle flashed a "vacant" sign. I quickly turned the nob, took one frantic step across the threshold, looked up and to my right to map out which direction I was headed, but instead of seeing a "vacant" bathroom I was promised I found an upright man to the right of the toilet with his face toward the wall. I stood there so shocked that I could've peed my pants and not know it. My initial thought was, "What is this man doing in the women's bathroom?" Since he had decided to occupy the women's restroom I would invconvenience all of the other men in response to the actions of one of their kind. I turned to enter the bathroom across the hall, which also promised to be "vacant", and was relieved to see that it was just going to be me in this uni-stall bathroom. As I sat there releasing enough diet coke to fill a 10-gallon hat, I looked around at where I was. It was then that I realized that I had walked into the men's restroom. I don't think this was entirely my fault. I think the biggest contributor to my bathroom blunder was the fact that the gender specificator was not at eye level, and the fact that I was coming from an angle made it easy for the "WO" to get cut out of sight. And I didn't see my friend in her ever-fashionable triangle skirt posted anywhere near the bathrooms. After justifying my actions through the erroneous notification schemes of Casa Brava restaurant, I was struck with another puzzle. Why on earth was there a man in a "vacant" bathroom? Not just a dude hanging out, but a dude doing his business. Was this some guy courtesty thing I didn't know about? Was this arrangement of one guy on the urinal, one guy on the toilet the equivalent to the ever-elusive napkin & tampon machine? Not only that, there was no divider between the stall and the urinal. They were side by side and alone with one another in a big one person bathroom. Scenarios started playing out in my mind. "What happens if one guy has to "sit down" on the toilet and the other one is standing at the urinal? Then what happens when the urinal guy is done? He can't lock the door behind him, so that leaves a pooper susceptible to a random walk-in." I was perplexed. This arrangement was working on a plane that I just couldn't comprehend. One where there was no thought out plan of execution. I felt like I discovered Tutankhamun's mummy, and now in writing this post I feel like I've leaked the story of Watergate to the press.

(Follow up: I've done some research and apparently this type of behavior is normal amongst older, middle aged men, but all of the males that I asked said that they would not have used the vacant toilet, albeit for either excretory purpose, and would always lock the door behind them so that the bathroom is "occupied".)