Tuesday, October 21, 2008

Level 7 Elf Ranger

It's official. I'm going to Hell. I have been committing many tiny sins while trying to break out of the full nelson put on me by a giant orc while traveling through the shadow lands of the fallen saints. I have transformed from a law student to an ambitious level 7 elf ranger dealing in dungeons and dragons.

Anyone that had an evangelical upbringing knows that dungeons & dragons is completely off limits. For the past year a friend of mine has tried to get me to play D&D, but I have refused because of the fear that I will go to turn to a pillar of salt upon immediate contact with any dice with more than 6 sides. But about 2 weeks ago, when I was swimming in tetris pieces, I was introduced to a new facebook application, "Dungeons & Dragons: Tiny Adventures." My friend would read aloud the happenings of his encounters, and I found myself intrigued by the stories charting his journey to become a level 10 drow ranger. I wanted to go on these adventures, or at least create a character that could have a little excitement in her life. On am impulse, I threw away an entire sunday school's education on the damning nature of D&D and joined the ranks of all the others marking their path to the underworld, and I was loving every second of it.

While on my fall break and hanging out with my family, my mom and best friend noticed on my computer screen that I had a tab open to my D&D adventure. My best friend was ashamed to have such a nerdy friend, and my mom was worried that I was on going to become demon possessed. She told me this story about how her cousins used to play D&D and are terminally damaged because of it. She never really explained what was wrong with them, except that they were weird. Then, in the midst of my attempts to explain the harmless nature of this online game, my mom pulled a major guilt card, "Maggie, what is your nephew going to think of his aunt that plays D&D? You don't want him to know you play dungeons & dragons." Low blow.

I guess I didn't feel as bad about playing the facebook version because you literally do nothing. You choose a character, choose an adventure, then click "update results" whenever it's convenient. Then, if you want to, you can read what happened to you in that stage of the journey. It tells you what you rolled, even though you were nowhere near any type of rolling numerical device. It's great. And, you help your other friends when they're in need. I've healed many of my friends numerous times, or given them that extra bit of encouragement they've needed in order to finish their adventure. Best of all, it has given me a network of *real* friends that also play tiny adventures. We just laugh and laugh and laugh.

So, I guess I'm on my own adventure to Hell. But maybe God will take it easy on me and only send me to a tiny Hell.

Monday, October 13, 2008

To My Fellow Hoosiers & To My Fellow Candidates for Carpal Tunnel

Okay, so there are quite a few notifications to Indiana residents about the option to vote early. If you have the opportunity, you should definitely take advantage of this. Here's the deal. Do you all remember that big deal in Florida in the 2000 election that ended in a Supreme Court decision ultimately deciding who our president was? And, do you remember how in 2004 our Buckeye neighbors were still an uncalled state until about noon the next day after election day? I'm sure you all have been paying close attention to the election & the polls, but Indiana is being considered a "battleground state" in this election cycle for the first time since history can remember. I think the last time Indiana was even close to possibly being a blue state on that electoral map was when Kennedy was running for election, and even then it wasn't a 6% margin of difference (as I last saw for the Indiana electorate). I'm not saying that will necessarily happen here in our Hoosier state, but I think it's better to be safe than sorry. So, it would be better to get your vote in now, counted, and not discredited come election day. Security is key. Also, it's just more convenient to go on any day other than election day. The polls are a messy room. Oh, and congratulations for being at the forefront of the political campaigning. Maybe next presidential election we'll get the candidate commercials broadcast here!

Now, I think I'm getting carpal tunnel in my right hand. Since I'm experiencing some of the warning signs, I figured I would share some of the activities I partake in so that you might be proactive in your own fight against carpal tunnel. So, if you do any of the following, please do them in moderation!

1. crochet
2. typing really fast on a computer
3. playing lots of tetris
4. playing piano/keyboards
5. holding your pen & hi-liter strategically with the same hand so that you can easily switch off between the two while you're reading
6. playing lots of text twirl & scramble
7. snapping on my way to a rumble with the sharks

Friday, October 10, 2008

blast from the past

I wrote this little ditty around this time last year. I read it again the other day & I thought that maybe I would just post it. I have a lot of things that I've been wanting to post but I haven't gotten around to actually sitting down & putting them in writing. So, until I have the time to provide new material I'll just throw up some old stuff. Also, I just scored an Alaska quarter. It's really cool. It has a big bear pawing a salmon or something. It's amazing. I think it will be a good accessory for my Sarah Palin Halloween costume.

As we sat and watched the fireworks I was hoping that you would look over at me and see the wonder in my face and be so enraptured by my childish outlook on life and then I would feel your eyes staring into my soul looking over the charts and documents to make sure I wasn’t just tricking you and that I was actually what you were looking for and I would turn to see what was going on and we would finally confront what we were too scared to admit, but when my ploy to get you to confess your crime failed I retreated into myself and tried to act like I didn’t care, and got up and left and said I wanted ice cream like I was a little kid who should be rewarded by her parents because she did something spectacular and no one gave her credit and her parents could feel her pain and dejection so they wanted to comfort her and take away her sorrow, until you took my hand when I slugged you in the back in a jesting manner and wouldn’t let go and I was caught off guard and I was transported from that steamy 4th of July night surrounded by kids with sparklers moving in slow-mo being watched by their parents digging through the cooler for more beer to the seasons to come where you would still be holding my hand while it rained golden and sapphire leaves from the sky and we were wearing mittens, which we must struggle to try and link our fingers through the mass of wool gathering our fingers together, and scarves and dressed as though we were Indian corn and strangers walked by with their dogs and we were still holding hands, unashamedly. But then I got carried away and wanted more and started swinging our hands as though you were my teddy bear and not my future love and you pulled away because you felt it, and I felt it, and we rode back in silence because we were too afraid to confront our reality and the possibility that our lives might actually be good because we were so complacent with our misery and reluctant to trade it in because we wouldn’t know how to live happily. And now we stand across the street from one another waiting for the pedestrian signal to give us our cue to go forth on our paths empty-handed, bundled up, and staring at each other heading in the exact same direction but not wanting to recognize the fact that we would be perfect together. We were so damn independent; so fucking selfish. Why do we feel that we will never find our soul mates? Why do we act as though we were the only creatures not meant to have a soul mate when we believe so much in the idea and concept of the meeting of the souls, and the truth is the two people who feel as though their destiny didn’t leave room for a counterpart are actually made for each other? And so we go on portraying to the world that we’re happy as we are and that nothing will get in the way of us achieving our dreams and fulfilling our destinies and all of that cliché shit that you’re fed as constructing the meaning of life from 3rd grade on when they start breeding you to be young professionals and give you address books so that you can start networking, and we never let anyone know that what we say are our dreams are really just a ploy to let others think you’re better than them and that you’re a strong person when all I really want is for you to hold me and to admit that you miss me and to call me out when I’ve made up a word on the scrabble board and tried to get away with it and to actually support that look that you have in your eye every time I catch you looking at me when you think I’m not paying attention and when I look back and we’re caught in each other’s venus flytraps and we just sort of give in after being suffocated because the sensation of dying feels better than the pain of denial or even worse acceptance.